Where do you look when the feeling’s gone? How can you deal with lost desire? Does desire live on in the body and can it be blocked?
I have not felt desire for many months now. It’s not that it’s left me but, I feel, that I do not allow myself to feel it.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if I do. Will it change me and my personality? Will I become someone intolerable?
I’m sure it can’t be that bad but there’s still a fear there. I don’t want to lose control…
Maybe that’s it, desire connotes a lack of control and maybe I’m afraid of how I’ll be when I lose control. Will I even know myself anymore? Perhaps I’ll know myself better. Control is never a good thing when in excess.
How can I open up to my desire and let it out? With acceptance? But how?
Allowing myself to feel what I feel.
But I’ve been so bad at letting myself feel (that’s where self-compassion comes in).
Allowing myself to feel means being compassionate with what my feelings are and letting all of them have a place.
But am I really cutting my feelings off or is there a lack of feeling altogether?
Am I blocking the flow of energy in my body?
I know my lower abdomen is always tight, the seat of the sacral chakra – the chakra that controls sexuality and creativity. I know I am blocked here but how to release blocked energy?
There are countless blogs that talk about this… Dancing, wearing orange, moonstones, eating certain foods – but that all seems so esoteric (except maybe dancing).
I try to open my belly and heart in conscious awareness and I believe I am breaking new ground.. but the process is slow and I’m fast to revert back to my closed heart and withdrawn sexual energy.
There’s much more to say and more to do to release this block and let desire out.
I hope it’s a beautiful thing and likely, it will come of its own accord. In the meantime, forced attempts are awkward and are always fruitless. Without true desire, there can be no marriage of bodies and of minds. Desire is a procreative energy and without it, one drifts.
I have been drifting and listless but the creative energy inside of me is there. It’s in me. I only have to let it out.