Microdosing: Day 19

I’m still feeling the hangover from the previous two days. I wonder if the new moon has something to do with it.

If I had to guess, I’d say that I’m not in connection with my emotions, or my body. I am not embodied and am not feeling what’s there for me. I’m resisting feeling something and this avoidance is controlling my life.

I believe that, if not for the microdosing, this tempest would be worse. The swings are not as deep and recovery is more rapid but still, my aversion to feeling my feelings is keeping me frozen in place.

I’m frustrated about this, my lack of forward momentum today, and I’m restless for change.

I will need to bring more focused attention to practicing embodiment but it’s hard. There is only so much willpower to go around and the mind has a mind of its own sometimes.

There are shadows and corners of myself that don’t want to be searched not for fear of what secrets they possess but because their very existence relies on being kept in the dark. It’s the ego fear and this is the tallest order.

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