Microdosing: Day 24

I was very conscientious in watching my thoughts today, noticing any negative thoughts and forcing myself to shift them into something positive.

I tried identifying the thought and choosing a new thought, a more helpful one. But I almost find it feels unnatural. Like I’m changing my natural thoughts.

I don’t know if it’s supposed to feel this way. Is this what changing your mind feels like? Am I becoming a different person? Am I moving away from the person that I am? Maybe that’s a good thing.

All I know is I’m saddened that I’m starting over. Like everything I’ve subscribed to before is no longer worth keeping.

Maybe it’s not that cut and dry. Maybe there are parts of me that will remain. Maybe the good stuff will shine through. But I’m consciously trying to let go of large parts of the way my mind works and it feels disorienting.

I’m tired. I hope I can wake up one day and be the person I want to be but I still feel scared and I don’t know if I’m up to the task. Can telling yourself the opposite make it true? Is it true if you believe it?

I have a lot of questions but I still feel so far away.

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